Things a Man Should Never Wear

I am frequently asked what a man ought to wear. It is a good question, and the answer takes a lifetime. The opposite question is quicker, and more satisfying to answer.

What follows is not a list of crimes. Most of these items are perfectly legal and widely available, which is precisely the problem. Each one comes with a reason, because a rule without a reason is merely a prejudice, and I prefer my prejudices well argued.

1. A fleece vest over a suit. It is the uniform of a certain kind of finance man, and it tells the world that you were cold, had a jacket, and chose a sleeping bag instead. If you need warmth, wear a knitted waistcoat or a thin cardigan under the jacket, where warmth belongs.

2. A short-sleeved shirt with a tie. A tie is a formal garment. Short sleeves are an informal one. Combined, they produce a look best described as a man who has been sent to inspect the fire extinguishers.

3. Square-toed shoes. The human foot is not square. A shoe that pretends otherwise looks less like footwear and more like something that came in a flat-pack box. Choose a toe that follows the foot: rounded, or gently almond.

4. A tie loosened to the sternum. Wear the tie or remove it. A tie at half mast is not relaxed. It is a flag announcing that the afternoon has gone badly.

5. A backpack with a suit. The straps drag at the shoulders you paid a tailor to perfect, and the whole arrangement makes a grown man look like he is late for double geography. Carry a briefcase, a tote or a holdall in the hand.

6. Cargo shorts anywhere with a postcode. A man needs a great many things on a weekend. He does not need eight pockets on his thighs to carry them. Cargo shorts are for expeditions, and a trip to the farmers' market is not an expedition.

7. Sports kit away from sport. A replica football shirt is for the stadium, the pub showing the match, and the five-a-side pitch. It is not for dinner, the theatre, or any occasion at which the other team is not present.

8. Socks with sandals. The sandal exists to let the foot breathe. The sock exists to stop it doing so. Wearing both is a dispute between two garments, and you will lose.

9. Distressed jeans you bought distressed. Denim earns its wear. Paying a factory to fade, fray and puncture it in advance is like buying a novel with the last chapter torn out. Buy plain denim and let your life do the rest.

10. A slogan you would not say aloud. If a T-shirt carries a joke you would be embarrassed to tell your mother, a client or a policeman, do not walk about all day telling it to strangers.

11. A pre-tied bow tie. It is perfectly symmetrical, which is how everyone knows. A self-tied bow is slightly imperfect, and that imperfection is the whole of its charm. The knot takes ten minutes to learn and a lifetime to stop thinking about.

12. A matching tie and pocket square. Sold together in a little box, in identical fabric, they look like a uniform issued to a wedding band. A pocket square should complement the tie, not repeat it. White linen agrees with everything.

13. A shiny suit. Sheen is for evening trim, satin lapels and the sea at sunset. On the body of a suit, it looks like you are about to sell someone a timeshare.

14. Trainers with a suit. There is an argument that it looks modern. There is a better argument that it looks as though your other shoes are being resoled. If you want a softer suit, wear softer tailoring, not gym shoes.

15. Clothes chosen for the photograph. Anything bought principally so that it will look striking in a picture tends to look strange at the table, where people actually are. Dress for the room and the photograph will follow.

16. A belt and braces at once. One holds up the trousers. So does the other. Wearing both suggests a deep distrust of gravity and a deeper distrust of your tailor. Choose one. Braces on trousers made for them, belts on trousers with loops.

17. A tie clip at the collarbone. A tie bar belongs between the third and fourth buttons of the shirt, and no wider than the tie itself. Clipped up near the throat, it looks as though it is trying to strangle you discreetly.

18. A wristwatch that requires a conversation. If people ask about your watch before they ask about you, the watch is wearing you. A good watch is noticed by those who know and ignored by those who don't.

19. A visible vest under an open collar. A crew-neck undershirt peeking out of an open shirt is like seeing the scaffolding behind a stage set. If you wear one, wear a V-neck, or better still, buy shirts that do not need it.

20. Anything described online as a "game changer." No garment has ever changed the game. The game is fit, fabric and care, and it has had the same rules for two centuries. If someone is promising otherwise, he is selling.

Look again and you will see that nearly every item fails in the same way. It is either fighting its own purpose, like the sock in the sandal, or announcing something that should have been left unsaid, like the slogan, the logo or the watch that demands a conversation.

Good clothes do their job quietly. Bad ones talk. The list above is simply a catalogue of garments that will not stop talking.

Lists like this tend to be read as snobbery, but each rule here comes down to function and fit: clothes that work with the body and the occasion rather than against them. That is also where good menswear businesses compete. Novelty and gimmick sell quickly and date just as quickly, while garments built on proportion, material and versatility keep earning their place in the wardrobe. A man who edits out the mistakes usually finds he needs to buy far less.

Until next week,

B.

Subscribe to The Weekly Brummell. One letter a week on style, etiquette, culture and business. Subscribe here

Follow @thebeaubrummell on TikTok for Fashion Etiquette, Social Etiquette, Bar Etiquette and more.

Forward this to a man who owns a fleece vest and a meeting at nine.